... Disappointment ...

So Dave and I arrived at the hospital at 730 am on the morning of March 12th, 2008. We checked in, delivered our "boys", got our color assigned to us for the day. (Everyone who comes in for an IUI gets assigned a color. So everything has your color on it and nothing can get mixed up) Our color was "power" orange, as the receptionist called it.
Then she said we could go have breakfast and come back in an hour. During that hour they would spin or wash Dave's sperm to retrieve only the best ones. Once that happens they call it a concentrated form.
So Dave and I went to Coco's for breakfast. Weird to sit there thinking, wow, in one hour we will have done this!! It was surreal. Finally, after so long, this could be it. We were taking action. If felt really good!
On our way back I cant even explain. Nervous to find out what the concentrated count was, anxious to actually get in there and get it done, excitement that this could be our time!
We got back and they called us in. The nurse had "our babies". She even said, "One of these is going to make your baby!" Oh how wonderful to hear that. So I got undressed, Dave sat down and we waited. Staring at the tube that potentially held our babies!
Then the other nurse came in. I told her I had to go to the bathroom and she said, just wait and have a seat. I knew from the tone in her voice and her body language, this wasn't going to be good.
It is all a bit of a blur now but she proceed to tell us that a test that Dave had done came back inconclusive. So it was sent off to the health department. The same test that Dave, himself, had called about since it was sent off and was told it was normal. Well this HPLV test which has been linked to HIV and Leukemia is what the problem was. Since they didn't have this test back as a negative they could not do the insemination. I was devastated. Not only was this not happening today they were telling me that potentially my husband, my world, may have a life threatening disease. I broke! I can handle, for the most part, not having children. But I cant live without my husband. He is my breath everyday.
The nurse felt really bad, she even went and checked what she could do. We made sure that the sample didn't leave the room. I covered my tear drenched face as I heard her "dump" our "babies" into the bio waste container. It was heart wrenching. We had gotten so far and were just blindsided by a brick wall. She assured us that we could still do a non medicated cycle next month and try again. But until they get the test back we were put on hold for insemination.
So we left the hospital broken. I "fixed" myself as much as possible, I didn't want to go into the waiting room and have other hopeful couples feel our loss.
The good thing that did come out of all this....Daves count was 49 million concentrated (55 before spinning). So that is wonderful news!! Much more hopeful since he has been of that stupid medication and had the lowest count ever!!
We know and pray in our hearts that God has the ultimate beautiful plan for our lives. But sometimes you just have to cry it out!